A Prayer for when I can’t be the Dad.

Heavenly Father,

I need you. We’re driving through this church parking lot full of fathers and sons in a cloud of awkward silence. Its so sad, dropping him off alone at this meeting. We missed the ride from the neighbor.  So now he’s alone. He’s heading in a little early to help set up chairs. Please find someone to sit with him. Please hide me as I drive away, the men walking in with their sons – I don’t want them to see me cry.  Please don’t let me worry about the future; my two boys who haven’t had to sit there alone yet, help me prepare them. They keep asking me to find them a dad who will make happy memories with us.  The older kids used to try to reassure me that I’d find someone, we don’t talk about it anymore. I keep trying to be both parents- it’s tiring.  You know I’m always being brave- you know inside I’m trembling. You know I’m having a hard time- you know I’m doing my best.  Thank you for strengthening me when I get tired,  forgiving me when I feel helpless- especially as you bless me with so much hope. I don’t know how to use hope most days. Forgive me for bending it into patience to get through the day or into a pillow shaped like a shoulder I could lean on. You know everything. You’ve told me there’s someone out there. Please help him find me? Help him find peace in his journey. Don’t make him sacrifice too much to be with us- I don’t want him to resent me or my love. He will be so loved. You’ve given me many gifts; I would share everything I have. Please help me focus on what is intended to bless my family, including these hard times-I’ve seen us grow. . . stronger, closer. Thank you. Please bless those with so much less that ask for less and need more. I’ll cheer up. I’ll make something to give, to share and cheer someone’s day. Fill my days with thy love for others, that I might get used to feeling great love. . . so one day I can recognize, accept, and give it. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

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